Things happen to us, and very often, those things suck. 

The natural reaction is to crush and conceal difficult emotions like a sheet of tricky homework. 

But we all know just how ineffective it is to trap our problems under a rug.

Trauma is no different.

Trauma gets stored away in the body as pain when we are not able to properly collect and debrief events in the moment that they occur.

The pain can reemerge as a nagging headache, stomach issues, PTSD and more.

It’s typical to cope with the discomfort by doing something numbing, pleasant or deluding.

It’s like Klarna for pain - just pay it later.

And while these reactions are natural, they can create a serious pile of debt that takes a toll on our wellbeing.

When we are told to internalize emotions, trauma backlogging is what we get.

It doesn’t help that culture and people around us encourage this.

Our bodies later scream the feelings our mouths were taught to silence.

As I write this piece today, I am reckoning with wayward pains of my own, and I am puzzled.

There are waves of distractions, impulses and patterns that corner me into confusion each day of my life. “What is the point of this – where is the lesson?”

They’ve seemed to always be around, but it’s unclear why. 

It’s like a nation dealing with refugees from a colony it pillaged and dismantled just years earlier.

Whether I did the crime or not, this is my mess to clean up now. 

Metaphor Time: Imagine that you own a beautiful, gigantic house — it has everything you could ever dream of: a pool, multiple bedrooms, an outdoor deck, and a lush green lawn — except for one pesky thing: it has an old paint job you wish you could change.

The house is great otherwise, and you’re super grateful for it, but  damn is that paint job ugly.

“That’s gotta go,” you proclaim, and you get to chipping away at the paint in a hasted rage.

A bitter distaste for the home you once truly loved begins to grow, especially when, in this current state, you realize you can’t let others into it.

To get this old house in good shape, you put out an ad for a paint-removal service. It’s time to get the job over with, once and for all.

“Help desperately needed!” You implore. “Will pay handsomely!”

But, after days, and weeks, and months, no one shows up. 

The price tag on this job is impossibly high – no one else is willing to take it on for you.

The hard work must come from within, and with patience.

In the past, I was not strong enough to endure certain challenging elements of reality.

I could not bring myself to clear the paint out.

My environment, my history, my heritage and the people around me all concocted a battleground that was just too hazardous for me to enjoy.

Instead, in bouts of inner weakness, I created escapes from the pains of reality, and cashed out on a loan that I would have to pay off years later. 

I’ll keep the stories of my developmental years safe for another post, but understand that crippling resentment and desperation during this time surely bent but did not break me. 

I have arrived now, on the other side of destruction. 

The paint is clearing. 

I can feel these thick cables that surround my being beginning to loosen, bursting off with each realized truth of my past or current reality.

The more understanding I am of my environment and my place in it equals a greater sense of leverage over the pain that counters me.

Let me clarify: The knowledge of self that I gain through pure, heart-forward, and unrestricted living is serving as gunpowder in the battle against my scarred and wretched past.

Because I know my self, I know where I stand.

That makes the future something that I can personally create. 

It’s clear why the instruction to “know thyself” is plastered across pages and palaces throughout millennia.

Because if you know your body, your character, your impulses, your history, your circumstance, your inclinations, your weaknesses and your fears — you know all that is within your command.

You drive the ship now, and access to all of its controls are unlocked. 

That’s the power I’m feeling right now. Direction. Positioning. Unlimited control. 

Ahh… So that’s how it works. Interesting. 

My hard work and sacrifice is chipping away at the thick plaque of suffering around my soul.

The shackles are falling off.

One by one. Clink. Buh-Bye. Clank! See ya.

But I see the truth now, and all along, it was just sitting behind those tricky layers of paint. 

My truth is self-evident, and it’s becoming complete because my past is becoming purposeful.

I’m finding meaning in the midst of madness.

Does that make sense to you?

The path becomes clear when you see what’s behind you, and where you’re at.

The next steps become easy when you realize the goal is to just stay on track, and to keep working on the house. 

Our lives exist within a broad spectrum — or continuum — of human existence, and we occupy just one small slot within it.

That responsibility is both relatively sizable and actually minuscule; we can see it as burdensome and hapless, or we can choose for it to be empowering. 

Whichever way you look at it, there’s a place for you, and it’s a good idea to do your best with what you’ve got. 

Our future is beholden to — but not defined by — our past. The things we’ve inherited and the things we’ve already done.

And what you’ve inherited, probably, is a large sum of pain, discomfort and confusion.

Some nasty looking paint 🏠

But that’s okay — in fact, that’s the whole point of all this.

Our lives are fated to turn out some way, and our fate is written in the manner in which we overcome the burdens of self-actualization.

And the truth is, after a while, our pains become our greatest strengths.

Those who endure debilitating emotional pains emerge from the depths stronger, more resilient, and empowered by their experience.

Pain is so valuable, that a life without it is just not worth pursuing.

Check out this brief clip below from a Star Trek movie – it’s also sampled in the intro to a favorite 2Pac song of mine. 

The shackles that were pulled tightly around you just before, during and after your birth are a part of your origin story, but they were not your choice.

They probably were not your parents’ choice, either.

Unfair as it may seem, this is just the price we pay for the prized existence of conscious, emotional human beings.

I implore you to look inward for answers, and outward for support.

Seek joy and cultivate love. There is no stronger paint removal …

The pain that calcifies solidly in the caverns and crevices of our bodies cannot just break apart at once. 

It needs help.

The reversal of trauma and actualization of true self is a grand process that happens in conjunction with every moment of choice in your life. 

There are two choices, always — the one that will pay towards your debt and hardship, and the one that belays you deeper into a trough of prolonged discomfort and resistance.

A lifetime of care-full, informed and intentional choices, done with Grace and in God’s will, can eventually bring back the purity of your soul — un-broken and faithful.

That’s real truth, and that can’t be scraped away. 

The brush is in your hands now.

Happy painting!

Just one piece for this week’s newsletter. It was a hearty one!

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